Zack RaPeD Me

On the night of August 26th or 27th, Zachary raped me while I was taking a shower.

We had just had sex earlier, during which I’d felt extremely uncomfortable.

I was 19, a virgin. I had told him I was considering breaking up with him because he was nothing like he seemed in our calls, I had told him I felt nothing when we had sex, that I would just wait for him to cum but it was uncomfortable for me, he would still fuck me regardless.

We were in the shower, and I finally confessed. I told Zack something that was very difficult for me: “No.”

I told him I was repulsed by his dick and his bushy pubic hair. He told me he wouldn’t shave. “Does that mean we can’t have sex?” he asked me. “Yes,” I told him we couldn’t.

Although these things were true, that wasn’t my intention. My intention was to tell him I wasn’t comfortable nor ready, that I didn’t want to have sex for the time being. But it was so hard to say no to him, he would never ask me before doing things, like when he would say he was going to put his third finger in, and I would say okay, and then he would put his dick inside instead and I would cry from pain because it hurt so much, and he wouldn’t take it out until I would beg him to please please take it out, while crying, and I would be left shuddering in a little ball, with my entire body burning from pain.

I remember he was upset, and he moved to the other corner of the bath. Perhaps he wanted to leave the shower but I’m not sure. I came close to comfort and console him. I didn’t want to make him sad. But what followed I still cannot understand.

Out of the blue, He began to kiss me, forcing his lips against mine and touching me and himself. I remember he would touch his dick and mock me, “Oh, so you’re disgusted by this?”

“Yes,” I would say back.

And then he would touch me down there. “What else don’t you like about me?” he would ask me as this went on. And I would tell him, but he wouldn’t stop.

I remember feeling powerless, paralyzed with fear, as he grabbed me and pulled me closer to him. I felt like nothing I could do or say was safe anymore.

After the shower, I remember he took me to his bed and raped me again. I remember feeling frozen and confused, I couldn't understand what was happening.

During the rape, my body reacted in a way that I didn’t understand at the time. It horrified me. Later, I learned that this is called forced arousal—when the body responds against your will. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape. It just made it even more confusing and painful.

I was terrified, while he put his dick in and out of me, hoping, waiting, for it to just end.

I said I didn’t want to have sex three times, yet that was apparently not enough for him. What ensued was not just humiliation and rape—it was repeated violence that has haunted me ever since.

He would not accept me saying NO, he would just do whatever he felt like doing, and if I didn’t budge he would yell at me, threaten me with punishment, it was terrifying. He would not ask for consent for the sex.

This wasn’t an isolated incident. Throughout the first few days, Zack had been pressuring me into having sex with him.

I told him I felt more comfortable wearing underwear to sleep but he would push me to take them off on the first night.

When we were in bed, I remember I agreed to go to sleep, spooning, and then he just started humping my ass, without asking me, when I just wanted us to hug.
And I couldn’t do anything, I remember feeling like I wasn’t supposed to say no, because if I did, as in the past, he would yell at me, or he would threaten with leaving me. I felt pressured to do what he wanted, which was to fuck me. If I had spoken up, I didn’t know what horrible things would have happened to me.

At the time I didn’t realise I had been raped, but 12 days later, while thinking back, I came to the realisation.

But that night in the shower, I can’t forget it, I felt so scared, and it comes back to my mind so often, it gives me panic attacks, sometimes I start feeling his dick inside my ass and it makes me scream and cry and it feels like I’m in hell. He knew I was quite asexual, and very nervous about the sex, I had confessed to both before.

---

What I cannot understand is why? He makes poems about how much he loves women, but then he rapes us, abuses us, lies to us, cheats on us, grooms us, threatens with assaulting us? How can you love women then?

I was all yours. I can’t understand. Why do this to me? I used to wonder about it but I think I have the answer now. Because he’s a horrible predator, that’s why.

This wasn’t an isolated event, he had been abusive to me since the beginning, manipulating, lying, psychologically abusing, and grooming me.

Months later, I contacted Zack to discuss the rape, I desperately wanted to be convinced the rape hadn’t happened.

However, during our first call, after I read him my memories of the night, he began to weep and confessed to having raped me. I recall he told me, “I raped you, I’m a rapist, don't apologize, it’s not your fault baby.”

I lost my virginity to rape, and every time I think of sex or think of a relationship I’ll just remember how this person raped me.

I can’t sleep at night, and I can hardly take showers. I cannot leave the house, terrified that I’ll be raped again.

I have panic attacks and constant anxiety, since the rape I never feel safe. At home everything feels wrong. I have flashbacks where I feel his dick thrusting inside and out of me, helpless to do anything I’m just left paralysed. Sometimes I’m transported to the moment it happened and I’m left feeling nauseated, usually unwittingly throwing up.
I have convulsing episodes, and chronic pain from the rape all over my back and bottom.

[Screenshot #1 in Evidence section]

---

The thing is, Zack knows all of this.

And when I told him I was paralysed, he tried to gaslight me, “No you weren’t, you were just upset.” No I wasn’t, my torso was paralysed and I couldn’t move my arms or legs. (See Screenshot #3 in the Evidence section.)

“I leave you with all the anger and sadness you feel about me. They belong to you. They are not mine to nurse for as long as you ache. That isn’t fair.” he would tell me. But that is not true, the pain I have, it doesn’t belong to me, he imposed it on me, by oppressing me, by raping me. I didn’t ask to be raped. I didn’t want this pain. He forced it on me.

And he would mock me, repeatedly telling me “how life moves on,” knowing that the rape and year-long abuse left me with C-PTSD.

---

“Even after everything, Zack refused to take responsibility. Instead, he blamed me for holding on to the pain.”

“He told me ‘my life goes on, and so does yours’—as if the rape, the trauma, the manipulation were just inconveniences to move past. As if I was the problem for still hurting.”

---

He even threatened to assault me. Implying he’d leave me with broken bones, bleeding at his doorstep, knocking, unable to move. He also gaslit me, trying to twist reality in his favor. (See Screenshot #2 in the Evidence section.)

But back to the second opportunity I gave him.

After talking with some friends, who asked me not to talk to him, as they saw him as dangerous, I decided to try to "forgive” Zack for what he had done to me. However, I quickly discovered that his abusive behaviour was something he would continue to use on me.

From lying to me on the first call, telling me he was suicidal and depressed because he had raped me, which made me hope he really was sorry for what he had done. To later on, claiming that that was a lie he had made up, that he wasn’t actually depressed, that he didn’t care if he went to jail, and that he just wanted none of his friends to find out.

Most damningly, later on, he would change his mind, claiming that somehow i had given consent... despite never explaining to me how that had happened.

He would have outbursts, he would blame me for "making him feel sad” by informing him he had raped me. He would also blame me for his own irrational behaviour. And blame me for "him hating how much he cares about my opinion of him”.

[Screenshot #2 in Evidence section]

Zack was abusive to me. From early on I explained I had BPD, which meant I had a crippling fear of abandonment, and a need for effective and clear communication.
I would have nightmares of Zack abandoning me at night.

However, his favourite thing to do to me, in response to any issue, would be to ghost me; something I had described felt like torture and would often lead me to crippling panic attacks, which would leave me paralysed on the floor of my apartment, unable to stand up.

He would constantly criticize me, from the most minute thing, to the biggest.
He would treat any desire or wish I had as a bothering imposition he needn’t care much about.
He would tell me one day we were platonic partners and the next treat me like I was rubbish.

This is all painful to think through, but here’s a few moments off the top of my mind.

- Grooming

I met Zack a few months after I turned 18. He was 23. I had seen photos he had sent of him when I was 17, I thought he was gorgeous. One day, we began to text.

Our relationship began mostly pushed by him. After confessing to having had a crush on him when I first saw him, he would begin to relentlessly flirt with me in calls he would push me for.
He would tell me in November he was planning on moving to Europe for me, leaving behind his girlfriend, friends and family. I would find this a bit odd but he knew it made my little romantic brain fall head over heels for him.

He would portray himself as my big sister. I would confess to him he was becoming a safe space for me, and he would tell me that made him so happy, and that around him I would be safe.

He would tell me he would beat up my parents, given they had abused me in the past, and that he would protect me from all harm.

This was the first phase of grooming in which the perpetrator finds and satisfies an emotional need of the victim.

- Mistreatment

However, things quickly went south.

He was quick to tell me he loved me, which I would respond positively to and tell him I loved him too.

He would treat me poorly.

From us setting up a time to call and then him not showing up and me having to wait hours for him to show signs of life.

To yelling at me, for no reason, and making hostile suppositions about me... Telling me that I was acting like his time was owed to me, for trying to see him after a week without seeing him. Then he would tell me, after waiting several hours to be able to see him, that he only had two minutes, which he would measure, and later belittle and insult me for asking if I could see him a little more.

He would also try to manipulate me, by using negative reinforcement.

If I did something he didn’t like, he would bring up him making out with Han Kyul, or him liking another girl in order to make me cry and bring me pain. That way, I would act well, and it would work. As I felt I always had to do better, for him to be happy with me.

He would also treat me like a punching bag, often popping up just to insult me and be cold to me, which left me feeling like I had somehow done something wrong and would leave me unable to do anything else.

- Isolation

This is the isolation phase.

He would tell me I was only his and that he would take care of me. Which I would believe wholeheartedly at this point.

However, he would continue yelling at me if I ever said the wrong thing or expressed a wish which he didn’t approve of. These was terrifying to me, and I would beg him to please not do it, as it brought me flashbacks from my own abusive father. He would respond by telling me he didn’t care and that that wasn’t his problem.

He would constantly threaten me with leaving me. Like, all the time.

So I constantly tried to act in a way to make him happy, but often not even that would be enough and I would still be ghosted for no reason.

Those were the worst times.

At some point, he made me promise him I wouldn’t leave him, which I did, reminding him I don’t break my promises. (Something he constantly did.)

I remember wanting to leave but knowing I couldn’t, I would fantasize about suicide as the only way to leave this relationship.

I developed an eating disorder, bulimia nervosa, as a result of the stress he would put me through.

- The Trip & Lies

We had planned a trip together. First for April, which he postponed for university. Then for May, which he postponed due to his job. And then for June, when he called me the day before the trip crying telling me he hadn’t organised anything or told anyone, and that he had to cancel, when that happened I calmed him down and explained to him it was okay, that it was just a flight and the Paris Airbnb, things we could replace.

Later on, we made a trip for July. However, the night before, he sent me a voice note, telling me he thought I might be a kidnapper and that he was breaking up with me.

I had postponed getting a job because of the trip, I was left completely in the blue every time.

Eventually, after talking to Han Kyul, we managed to get to him, and we got back together. We would later plan a trip for the end of August.

---

For months, I would be left in limbo as, after he confessed to me Han Kyul didn’t know about us, I would ask him to please come clean, not wanting to be a secret. This was extremely stressful as, for months, I would ask him to please tell Han Kyul. But he wouldn’t allow me to speak to him, threatening with leaving me if I did. This was extremely emotionally and mentally straining towards me, often leaving me debilitated.

Eventually he would tell me he did, but after I texted Han Kyul one day it would turn out he had lied about it.

In fact, Zack lied about everything. To his family, to me, to Han Kyul. He is a self-proclaimed psychopath, and a compulsive liar. This worried me tremendously at the time.

Here's a letter from Zack's mother regarding her son:

"I'm a psychopath"

- Disregarding My Boundaries

I was vocal about having three conditions for dating him: That he went to therapy, as he would constantly treat me abusively and I didn’t know what to do about it; that he told Han Kyul about us; and, that we met first. By the time he asked me out and affirmed I was properly his girlfriend, around June, he wasn’t doing either of the two. Up to then, we had been "unofficially girlfriends".

Another moment of him disregarding my boundaries was when I tried to set my boundaries as to the nature of our relationship, a closed polyamorous relationship where he didn't share our problems with the other partner, as that could make Han Kyul spite me, and create tensions. I told him he could speak to others, friends, therapists, family, about our problems, but that I didn't feel comfortable sharing our intimacy with Han Kyul.

In response, he claimed I was somehow trying to isolate him from all his support, he told me he didn't need a therapist, and that I was being manipulative by trying to set boundaries, around what I felt comfortable with.

Another example was his idea that somehow Han Kyul, him and I would live in a house together. He kept insisting on it as a dealbreaker, however, as far as I'm aware of, Han Kyul wasn't aware of this plan. Apparently, neither Han Kyul or I had any say over the nature and future of our relationship, it was only Zack who got to decide... Weird.

- Traumatic Memories

I still remember the night I was being threatened with an illegal eviction. Zack had promised we would stay in touch throughout the day, as I needed his help and support with not becoming homeless. He had a date with Han Kyul but he had promised to stay on the phone and contact me if I needed it. And so, I did. I tried reaching out during my night, I needed his support, I was having a panic attack. But he wouldn't pick up. Eventually he would write to me to insult me and order me to shut up. However, after I spoke with Han Kyul later, he understood what was happening and was kind and supportive towards me. Zack on the other hand, hours later, would call me, just to coldly tell me he was thinking of breaking up with me for not respecting he didn't want to talk... Something he had said the complete opposite of hours earlier.

---

I'm also haunted by my last night with Zack. I had a panic attack. Zack had been saying he was busy with school the next day, and when his brother mentioned the next day was a festive I felt triggered by the thought Zack was going to begin to lie to me all over again. I told Zack I needed some space and had the vague thought then that, since it had been such an amazing week, that we could maybe stay together one day longer.

However, in response to me asking for space to cry, Zack began to yell at me, grabbing my stuff and throwing it violently into my suitcase and threatening to call his parents or the cops (I don't recall which) to kick me out. I was very stressed by this sudden change and I asked him if we could take a bath together. In the bath, I explained to him my fears of him lying to me again and of him leaving me for having been sad. To which Zack told me he was sorry and didn't care about my panic attack, that he loved me and wanted to stay with me.

That's when we decided to get pre-engaged, as a promise that we would care for each other. Despite this, once I got to Amsterdam, he called me for twelve minutes, and broke up with me, claiming I was at fault for having a panic attack, and blocked me everywhere.

---

Today I came across an old message from Zack which said, "do i love you? this is a good question".

Zack would use abandonment as a tool to manipulate me.

If I was annoying, he would claim to not love me which would terrify me. And once I was submissive again, having cried enough, he would tell me he loved me. Reading it again, I had a horrible panic attack. I couldn't breathe and I began to shake.

---

When he picked me up from the 12 hour flight he didn't bring me flowers, he didn't gift me anything. I brought him an expensive Miffy plushie.

---

Zack claimed to love me, but instead of using that feeling to support me, he used it to destroy me, my psyche, my relationships, my body. There is so much more that I haven’t written here. A year’s worth of manipulation and abuse. Hopefully this brief glance is enough for now. I should end this with a positive tone, but I don’t see anything positive to it. Well yes, I survived. I am glad I survived.

---

This is from the beginning of the relationship. He never stopped being condescending towards me, it just got worse.

I am speaking out because silence protects abusers. Because I refuse to let Zack continue hurting others the way he hurt me.

Here’s what you can do:

- If you know Zack, cut him off. Don’t let him manipulate you the way he manipulated me. He is a dangerous person.

- If you are in activist spaces, push for his removal. He hides behind political circles and progressive causes—but he is a rapist and a groomer.

- For Torontonians at large, don't let him near children or teenagers, because he will try to groom them.

- To Klasbatalo and No War But Class War, remove him as a member and denounce his behaviour.

- And for the community, be on the look out. If you see him in spaces where he holds influence, do not stay silent. Let people know the truth. At clubs, parties, bars, if you see him, ask him to leave. Don't perpetuate rape culture.

- Share this. Spread it. Make sure no one else gets harmed by him.

- And to anyone who reads this, show your support by sharing one of the posters on your socials and tagging me or sending me a message. Your support means the world to me.

I haven't yet, but I will report him to the university. I already reported to the police.

He took so much from me, but he will not take my voice.
And he will not do this again.

#1: Important

“He admitted to raping me, but then he twisted the story—acting like I was cruel for reminding him, like I was responsible for his pain. This is what abusers do: they turn the truth against you, until you start questioning reality itself.”

#2: Zack Shrugs Off The Rape

Zack's initial response to me telling him how he had raped me.

I somehow turned him into a worse person from across the Atlantic? No, he just chose to hurt me.

"I simply made a mistake". No, you chose to rape me. You chose to abuse me. Those aren't mistakes, they're crimes.

#3: Zack Gaslighting Me

Zack often tried to gaslight me, this is an example of it.

"The contents of this website represent my personal recollections and experiences. They are my subjective account of events and are not intended as a definitive legal or factual record. I encourage readers to understand that these are my personal memories and reflections."